A Year On

My Dad passed away at around 6:55 pm on this day last year. He had been struggling all day. The priest and the relatives came during the day. As for the friends who couldn’t make it because they live far away, they spoke to him on the phone. Even my X spoke to him. The X was the last person to speak to him on the phone. A couple of ladies and my Mum sang hymns to my Dad. He looked peaceful. It was like he was enjoying the whole moment. After the ladies left, a distant relative from my Mum’s side came to visit and it was then that my Dad passed away.

I didn’t cry when my Dad died. I didn’t cry at the funeral home when my Dad was ‘on display’ for a few days. Neither did I cry during the funeral. I was bewildered by the whole experience. I was also waiting. I totally believed that the X would be in Sabah soon and I would cry my head off in his presence. He wasn’t an X at the time. He only became the X in September.

A year on and I still haven’t cried. I don’t think that I have properly grieved. After the abandonment, I was just coping with my life here. During my Dad’s funeral, I felt terrible for my Mum. My parents have been together for a long time. They have been a team for such a long time. I even wondered what it would be like if I no longer have a partner. That was a scary thought that came true months later.

This morning, Father Felix Chung said Mass for my Dad at the little Carmelite Chapel. I have been to this place when I was little. The last time I was there for Mass was nearly 20 years ago when I was back for a visit. My Mum’s helper lit a candle for Mary and baby Jesus. I was too shy to do so when I saw the small crowd after the Mass. We then visited my Dad’s grave before tucking in to some Dim Sum at my Dad’s favourite Yum Cha joint – Foo Ping (Sorry, the spelling could be wrong).